


The Shepherd of the Damned -The Starset Series- Part 2

by Antigravity_Carnivore



Series: The Starset Series [2]
Category: Breaking Benjamin (Band), STARSET (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dark, Angst, Dark, Demons, Fluff and Angst, Homosexuality, Inspired by Music, M/M, Musicians, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-11 14:20:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8985235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Antigravity_Carnivore/pseuds/Antigravity_Carnivore
Summary: The story of Starset lead singer, Dustin Bates continues with another encounter with Benjamin Burnley.





	

(This is Chapter 2 of the Starset Story—for Chapter 1, see “Descent into Darkness”. It cannot be read on its own; Chapter 1 is required to fully understand the characters and settings.)

(Usual warnings are in place: homosexual activity, language, violence, fluff)

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

 

The Starset Saga- PART 2 The Shepherd of the Damned

I put my hands over my ears to stop the sound of his voice, but it was inside of my head, repeating the lyrics over and over. The voice reverberated inside of my skull and rattled against my brain, sending painful pulses down my spine. I slammed my head back against the tile wall of the bathroom, to get his voice out, and I heard him laugh. He was mocking me. Then I felt his hand reach out and touch my cheek. I lashed out, trying to get him away from me. I opened my eyes to find Brock standing over me, looking pale and shaking just as much as I was. I blinked a few times, trying to clear my vision to be sure that I wasn’t hallucinating.

“Dustin?” he asked gingerly.

“I’m ok.” I stammered, trying to collect myself as best as I could.

Brock looked back over his shoulder to the sink area and I followed his gaze. The mirror that hung over the sink was broken, shattered into a hundred fragments that now lay upon the floor glistening with their silvery brilliance so brightly in the dim bathroom light. Among the shards were also multiple thick droplets of blood, some smeared, others still perfectly irregular dotting the white marble floor with a fascinating pattern. I felt a stinging sensation in my hand and instinctively glanced down, and stared dully at the lacerations running across my knuckles still slightly oozing. Apparently, I had punched the bathroom mirror. Brock grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my hand. “That’s it; we’re going to the hospital, Dustin. I don’t know what’s going on with you, but this…” he gave my hand a squeeze. “This is nuts. You might need stitches, and mental help... And we’ve got to cancel the show for tonight, you can miss one….or two…you need a break. “

The show? Fuck! I had completely forgotten that we were scheduled for another performance. Ben would be there. How could I face him after what happened last night? Did it really even happen? How could I rationalize that he was actually some sort of demon that was haunting my thoughts. I couldn’t. Plain and simple, whatever was happening to me was my own fault, I was overworked, exhausted both mentally and physically. Everything that happened was a product of my overworked imagination. A good days rest and recuperation would do me well. I gave Brock a reassuring smile and took a deep breath. “It’s just an exhaustion thing. I’m going to be alright. Help me get up here and dress this wound, we’ll pack up and get our shit out of here and hit the road. I’ll get some sleep on the bus. And you can even watch over me there if it makes you feel better.” I think that hearing myself say those words were in an attempt to convince both of us that everything was going to sort itself out.

He gave me a sideways glance, almost as if considering packing me up and shipping me off to the asylum instead of the bus, but he gave in to his better judgment and stood up, pulling me to my feet for the second time in one day, ignoring my apparent nakedness. “All right man, get in that shower. I am going to stay right here and clean this mess up. When you’re finished we’re going to get the hell out of here.” I nodded and stepped into the shower, turning on the hot water and letting it douse me completely before pulling the curtain shut. Brock came over and pulled it back open a few inches. “You’re not getting out of sight today, not even for a second.”

I laughed and nodded. He turned around and I could hear him picking up the pieces of broken glass and toss them into the trash with great care. The hot water felt good on my skin, and I inhaled the warm steam and let it slowly fill my lungs with the humid moistness that opened my throat up, and got the blood flowing through my veins again. I soaped up my entire body, and ran my hands through the lather, trying to remove the memory of Ben’s touch. If it was a daydream, or a hallucination I could easily deal with it, but what I couldn’t deal with was the way that my body reacted to his caresses. He had triggered something inside of me that I obviously couldn’t deny. Seeing him tonight was going to be awkward, to say the least, and explaining to everyone wasn’t going to be easy either. How do you look someone in the face again, after having a erotic, lucid dream of them? I heard the door to the bathroom open for a moment, and then Brock step outside, and return within a few minutes. I’d come up with something, and they’d all accept it and we’d move on. I didn’t have a choice. The music meant more to me than anything else, and I’d stop at nothing to get the Message out.

A few minutes later, I stepped out of the shower and Brock was there leaning against the wall, his cell phone in one hand, and a bathrobe in the other. “You’re not kidding when you said you weren’t going to leave my side, were you?” I smiled and slipped into the soft, plush terrycloth.

“Nope. I don’t joke around when it comes to stuff like that.” He reached out and took hold of my hand, shoving his phone in his pocket, pulled out a first aid kit and began to treat the cuts on my knuckles. “We’ve been friends for too long for me to turn my back on you, no matter how crazy you might become, I’m still going to be here.” He smeared some anti-bacterial cream on each laceration and then wrapped it up in clean gauze. “You’re lucky that these aren’t too deep. Are you sure you’re going to be alright to go on tonight?”

I started to head back out to the living room, which was now thankfully clear of people. “Brock, this is our big break. There is no way in hell that I’m going to let you or any of the other guys down.”

He plopped down on the couch and consumed himself with the internet as I went about getting dressed and packing my bags up. My mind kept wandering as I haphazardly started tossing clothing in my suitcase. It wasn’t going to be a easy night but at least I could put myself into a comatose state on the bus and get some rest. I had used every bit of strength and willpower that I had to pull our band up out of obscurity and I wasn’t about to let a delusion interfere with anything. More than ever, it gave me a reason to get it together and move on. I pushed the top of the suitcase shut and ran the zipper long the protruding edges. I didn’t care how anything in there looked; I needed to get out of that place. I grabbed the suitcase and motioned for Brock that I was ready. He jumped to his feet and met me at the door, pulling it open and stepped outside. I took one last look at the balcony window, with all the new fallen snow on it before following Brock to our next destination.

The bus was crowded, over packed, and smelly, but I didn’t mind. There was lots of alcohol, which I gratefully indulged in, helping to chase my demons away with. The other band members questioned me about the events and I gave them a generic excuse about my alcohol consumption and passing out on the balcony. I even made a pretty reasonable excuse about cutting my hand on a broken beer bottle that was pretty lame, but they seemed to buy it. All but Brock. He knew I was lying. He just had a way of knowing, but he didn’t bother with rebuttal. From time to time I caught him staring at me, curious but never willing to engage in what could have been a difficult conversation. There was a certain chemistry between us that I always just chalked up to him being devoted to the band, but after recent events, I was starting to think that there was more to it. What if it wasn’t the band that he was so devoted to, but to me? I shoved the thought out of my head, it wasn’t something I was ready to indulge in. After the obligatory time spent catching up on all the stories about the after show parties, and groupies, I managed to slip away under the excuse that I was pretty sloshed and found a nice, quiet corner on the back of the bus. As I stretched out and made a nest of suitcases, make shift pillows and blankets, he came back and sat on the seat across from me. “Are you are doing OK?”

I finished off the drink that I brought back with me and took off my glasses, rubbing my eyes. “Fine. Gonna pass out for a bit, wake me when we get to the next city.” I kicked at him with the tip of my toe. “Go socialize, dude I’m OK. And I’m like 10 feet away. If I start freaking out and pulling my face off, you’ll be the first person to see it.”

He frowned at me, but got up and punched me in the shoulder. “It might make you more pretty.” He laughed and made his way to the front of the bus. After this tour was over, I was going to be sure that I had a talk with him and make sure that he knew exactly how much he meant to me. If I was losing my mind, there was no one else there who I’d rather have, reaching out and helping me get back on track. I glanced out the window and watched the drab scenery outside. The snow on the previous night had been partially plowed away, and on the roads it mixed with cinders and salt, becoming a disgusting gray slush that covered everything. The bus plowed through it, making a soothing sound as the tires whooshed under me. I dug out my headphones and put them on, hitting play and leaning my head against the window. The beginning chords of “First Light” fired into my brain and it felt good. I pulled the jacket blanket up around me and fell into a deep sleep.

It was late afternoon when we finally arrived at the next venue. It was a fairly small hall, which I typically enjoyed very much. I found that when I could really interact with the crowd, it made for a better show. I awoke as we were pulling into the unloading docks but didn’t move out of my position; my eyes were fixed on the familiar, empty bus next to us. It belonged to Breaking Benjamin. They arrived way before us, and were probably all set up and ready to go. My little stunt had obviously cut back on our travel time, and I heard the venue manager asking us to come right in and do a sound check as soon as possible. I groaned a bit in complained but resigned myself to the task at hand. I was such a perfectionist when it comes to my music, and being rushed is the worst possible thing you could ever do to an artist. Brock looked towards the back of the bus where I had squirreled myself away and I gave him a thumb up. He grabbed his things and left the bus, shivering just outside, waiting for me. I pulled my jacket over my shoulders and shoved the headset back into my bag, slowly making my way through endless amounts of beer bottles and food wrappers. It was almost like wading in garbage. My foot crunched the frozen snow, and the cool wind whipped against my face. It felt good and a nice, refreshing change from the stuffy tour bus. I filled my lungs with the frigid air as I stepped outside, and let out a loud curse. “Fuck its cold!”

Brock laughed and made a grand gesture. “Hey front man, how about you get your ass inside, so the rest of us can get to work and earn some money.” I laughed and headed for the backstage entrance. It felt good to laugh.

Sometime later, after some much needed food, and hydration I walked down the hallway leading to the stage for sound check. For some strange reason, that hall seemed to be unusually long for such a small venue. I stood upon one of the wings of the stage and gazed out to the magnificent sight before me. The roof of the concert hall was painted a brilliant blue, with swirls of white and purple, and in random locations, clusters of stars that formed constellations that I knew by heart were painted. It was so breathtaking. The rest of the band gestured me forward and I came to center stage, and in front of the Emulator. I took a moment to glance at the set list and familiarize myself with it, and then tapped lightly on the board, and it sprang into life with a few melodic notes and I was taken away, lost in the world that I created.

I left sound check feeling inspired. The music was exactly what I needed to snap me out of my livid fantasies and back into reality…or so to speak. I opted to remain in the green room with the rest of the band instead of bothering to go back to the hotel. Partly because of Brock’s insistence of staying near me, and partly because I didn’t want to be alone. I hadn’t seen any of Breaking Benjamin, except for a few roadies setting their gear up. Every now and then, when the door would open up, I’d look up from my seat across the room and glance out to the hallway, to the door on the other side of the hall where he was supposed to be, but there was nothing out of the unusual. I began to believe that the lie I created was the truth. I had been overworking myself far too much, and the previous nights events were just when it all came to a head. Yeah I snapped, but that was it, I wasn’t going to let any other delusions lead me astray. I had a promising new band here, all counting on me and I had to be the front man for them, they were depending on me for so much. I sat up a little straighter in my chair and arched my back, sitting on the bus and being outside in the cold had taken its toll on me, and this was going to be a long tour over the next several weeks. The pain from the cuts in my knuckles was only a dull ache now, easily manageable and I breathed a silent sigh of relief that it wouldn’t interfere with the show tonight. This was our future, and the future was now…

The green room was buzzing with excitement as it drew nearer to show time. I was standing in front of a mirror tying my bow tie when Brock came over to me and gave me a friendly jap. “Doing OK man?”

I nodded and adjusted my glasses. “Never been better.” He gave me a smile, and I felt him ease up a bit. He picked up his guitar and headed took a seat on the stools that were provided us for the VIP meet and greet. I took one last lingering look in the mirror, half expecting to see someone else there, but nothing happened. Chuckling to myself, I joined my band and settled in for a short acoustic set and some autographs with fans.

The time passed quickly, and after the VIP meeting was over, it only seemed to be a matter of moments before I heard the knock on the door that it was time to head on stage. As we walked single file out the door, I paused for a moment at the door to Ben’s dressing room and hesitated. I could hear voices inside, laughing, chuckling, and having a good time. I took a breath and walked on, down that unusually long hallway and back to the wings of the stage. All the lights were dim, except for the colored spotlights on our banner, draped perfectly in the center of the stage. I couldn’t help but to grin widely seeing our name up there, in front of hundreds of cheering fans, for everyone to see. Then the lights went out and the rest of the band stepped out on stage, in a thunderous crash of applause, they started to play our intro music and all the monitors lit up, sending the crowd into a frenzy. One of the roadies handed me a microphone and I waited for my cue. The artificial stars suspended high above the crowd started to glow, and the control panel of the emulator switched on, and I stepped out onto the stage, into a sea of nameless faces and voices, all cheering for me to sing, to spread the Message. The applause was immediate and thunderous, it echoed through the small hall and reverberated all around, making me feel a little weak in the knees. This is what I wanted, what I desired more than anything, acceptance. The first few chords of “First Light” dropped and it nearly knocked me off my feet. I stood there at the Emulator and moved the sliders in the exact order to initiate the sequence. I could see Brock in the others, dressed in their spacesuits behind me, clearly enjoying the thrill of it all. Never had we had such a welcoming reception and reaction to our music. Stepping out, I took a long deep breath and started to sing the first verse of the song, and the audience responded by singing along with me. They were a sea of faces, disappearing and reappearing with the flashing lights. I ran along the edge of the stage, and hands were up raised, reaching out to me, ready and willing to receive the Message. The heavy guitar riffs sounded thunderous and commanded attention that could not be denied. Drums and bass filled my ears and kept me in perfect timing with each lyric, drawn from memory, from years and years of writing and re-writing. Here we were now, standing center stage, a bunch of guys who only wanted to pass on some knowledge to others, but do it in a way that was out of the ordinary and different. If this was what success felt like, then I surely wanted to let it consume and devour me.

More songs followed, each with a different feel to them. I couldn’t believe the wonderful reception that we were getting. Occasionally I glanced over to Brock and could see that he was also enjoying the set. Everything was finally clicking into place. “Dark on Me” ended and the lights dimmed, setting up the mood for the next song. “Telescope” I turned away from the crowd to face the large monitors that ran nearly floor to ceiling and stretched my arms out, waiting for the first few notes. I closed my eyes and let the music absorb into my veins.

 __You're out there (You're out there)  
I hear you calling from behind the star fields  
I feel you (I feel you)  
Radiating energy like eternal northern lights

With the first few lyrics, I slowly opened my eyes into the brilliant blue and purple hues of lights that bathed the stage in an otherworldly glow. There were no other lights of any other type, the only illumination from the projected images on the monitor. Facing away from the crowd, I let the majestic technological glow wash over me, as I continued to sing. 

__Far from the sun  
Where no one knows  
I've watched you from  
My telescope (My telescope)

The music moved me, flowing through my body and giving me such energy. I absorbed every bit of it from the crowd and filled my very being with it. All the emotion and feeling I could muster up, I poured it all into that song, my mind filled with age-old memories and experiences. Memories came rushing into my head of people that I’ve let down, people that I’ve had to walk away from, and those whom I had loved once and lost along the way. 

__I will travel the distance in your eyes  
Interstellar light years from you  
Supernova; we'll fuse when we collide  
Awaking in the light of all the stars aligned

How much as my life changed? The man who stood on this stage was never the man that I thought I’d turn out to be. I was changing, growing, evolving. No longer did I wish for solitude and emptiness, but instead, I wanted to share these feelings, emotions and words with everyone that I could. Success was only a side-effect of the Message. At this very moment, standing there, facing the electronic monitor, I had never felt so wonderful, powerful, and omnipotent. 

__I see you (I see you) watching over me across the sky  
Overcoming  
Projected on my eyes eternally  
I find you in the night

 __Far from the sun  
Where no one knows  
I've watched you from  
My telescope (My telescope)

In the dark concert hall, under the glimmery silver brilliance of those faux stars overhead, bathed in purplish-blue light, I turned around to sing to the crowd and my heart stopped. The venue was completely empty. Every space was vacant. The programmed part of the music continued to play, reverberating off the walls, and I turned to the other members of the band for an explanation. They too were gone. Their instruments were sitting in the correct positions, undisturbed, as if the show had yet to start. I moved over to the Emulator and ended the programming, noticing that it had a time elapsed on it, meaning that the previous songs on the set list had indeed been performed. “What the fuck is going on?” I muttered underneath my breath. Then I heard clapping. I looked down to the front row of seats to see Benjamin sitting there, in his usual dark colored clothing, shadows surrounding him, smiling at me. “This isn’t happening, I’m hallucinating again.” I gripped the metal microphone hard, feeling the scabs of dried blood on my knuckles crack, trying to convince myself that this was not reality. 

Ben crossed his legs casually and smiled up at me. Chills ran down my spine. “Feels pretty good, doesn’t it?” The flickering lights reflected off his unusually pale skin, giving him a ghastly, macabre appearance. He looked more like an unearthly apparition rather than a man. 

“I.. don’t understand.” I muttered. 

He stood up and walked over to the edge of the stage and came to stand directly below me. I couldn’t help but to gaze deeply into those grey eyes of his, falling helplessly, drowning, dying. NO! I wouldn’t let this happen again, it was all in my head, nothing else. “Of course I’m in your head, dear Dustin. You let me in, there’s no way I am leaving now.” 

Walking backwards, I stepped away from the edge of the stage, nearly tripping over the network of cables crisscrossing the raised platform. I glanced down for a moment, to regain my footing and Ben vaulted up onto the stage in one quick motion. Standing on the edge, he took a moment to smooth his shirt down, the same color and style he wore to every show. He cocked his head at me quizzically. “Still confused are you?” He reached his arm up and moved his hand towards my face, I reacted quickly, moving away and putting more distance between us before he could even touch me. The expression on his face was soft, almost gentle. “There’s no reason to react like this Dustin, you agreed to this. It’s what you wanted.”

I moved to position myself so that the Emulator board was between myself and Ben. I was desperate for him not to touch me. All it would take would be one slight brush of those callus covered fingertips and I would positively melt. “Exactly what did I agree to? To be forced to have hallucinations of you as some sort of fucking demon ripping my heart out, or seducing me?” I felt the anger inside of me start to well up and come to the surface and narrowed my eyes at him. “I don’t get what you’re playing at here, and it’s pissing me off.”

Ben walked around in front of me, his fingers running along the edge of the light board, keeping his eyes focused on me as he spoke. “I promised you that I’d show you things you’ve never seen before, let you have experiences that transcend the mind and body, give you success that you’ve never ever dreamt of. I know you’ve felt it tonight, when you stood up here, the center of attention, and a captive audience hanging on every single word that passed over your lips. Hundreds of them out there are watching you, listening to your Message. I watched you too; you were quite mesmerizing up here on stage. You commanded it all, the music was flowing through you and out to them. How intoxicating it was for you to drink in that fame? And it will only get better from here out. This is what you wanted all along, Dustin. Don’t even pretend to deny it.”

Even though there were only a few lights still on and aimed at the stage, I suddenly felt very warm, and began to sweat. It was like my body was being cooked from the inside out and I felt nauseous. If his words were the truth, then everything I felt tonight was just fabricated and false. We worked so hard to get where we were. I wiped the beads of sweat from my brow.

“Oh don’t think that this is strictly my doing, Dustin. It’s your Message, after all, that got people interested. The fate of mankind, the demise of the planet, all mingled in with rock music? It’s a fantastic idea, all I have done was assist in bringing the masses to you, and now you have them, as per my part of the bargain, and you can sit back and enjoy the ride.” Ben was beaming with pride; he stretched his arms out across the top of the Emulator and rested his chin on them. He looked delightfully mischievous, even slightly cherub-like and I couldn’t help but to stare at him, bathed in those soft lights. “Doesn’t it feel wonderful?”

I thought about his words for a few moments. I did enjoy being on stage, in front of all of those people. It gave me a rush, physical and mental, almost sexual in nature. It flooded my senses at once and exploded inside of my brain. The worst part is that I craved more. Looking at Ben, and into his face, I knew that he was aware of exactly what I was thinking. I struggled to think a bit more clearly, focusing on his words. “Bargain, you say? What are you getting in return for all of this?” As soon as I spoke the words, I wanted to retract them, fearing that the answer might be more than I was prepared to face. 

Ben came over to stand behind me. He looked frightening and imposing in the dim glow of the lights from the Emulator. I never noticed how tall the man was until now. The hair on my body began to tingle, and I could feel my heart accelerating. I refused to turn and look at him, for fearing that my eyes would betray me. He placed a hand on my bicep and I could feel each of his bony fingers wrap around my arm. Bending down, he brought his lips to my ear, and I struggled to catch my breath as he spoke. “My prize?” He arched his fingers, digging his fingertips into the flesh of my arm. I fought to remain perfectly still; I refused to give in to him this time. “Dear Dustin. I thought you would have figured it out by now… my reward for making you one of the most famous musicians in all of rock music, for helping you spread the Message and educate the masses to your wisdom is… such a little thing indeed...”

I closed my eyes as he spoke. His voice was like velvet, soft and soothing. I could listen to it all day. And his body, oh god... How it felt behind me like that... I could feel the tightness of his pants as he rubbed up against me; feel his heart beating through the thin fabric of his shirt. I let my head drop back a little, and he kissed the side of my neck. How many audiences did those lips sing to, how many words came out of that mouth, which now rested on my flesh? All the fear I had, melted away as he reached up and gripped my other arm, cradling my body from behind. How was it that he had this sort of power over me? “I have to know, Ben.” I bit down on the corner of my lip. “What did you take from me?”

I heard him chuckle just a bit, and tighten his hold on me, and even though I couldn’t see him, I knew that a wicked smile came across his face. I could feel it. “Your soul.”

“What?!” Trying to turn around, he held me firmly in place, and all I could do is crane my neck around. “That’s just insane.”

“Is it really Dustin? Do you remember all those nights when you forced your inebriated self to stay up to get one more song written? Do you remember how much it hurt when your music was rejected by label after label, stating it wasn’t suitable for air time? All of the effort you put into your music, only to be passed over time and time again? More importantly, do you remember telling yourself that you’d do anything for someone to make all of this work?” Ben teased the back of my ear with tender kisses. “You wanted someone to listen to your dreams, your desires, to share your visions. ” His voice was dark and dripping with sinister pride as he spoke. “….and someone did”

I shook my head. “This has to be a joke, right?”

“It’s no joke. I told you last night, I’ve been watching you for some time. God does not grant wishes, Dustin. But the Devil does.”

My soul...this felt like something from a bad B movie. Demons don’t exist. It can’t be real. I tried to keep telling myself that... snap back into reality but it wasn’t working. It would be so easy just to give into this delusion, to forget about everything else and exist here in this perpetual fantasy, but something seemed wrong and distorted about it. I suddenly thought of Brock and the look on his face when he found me outside on the balcony. He was genuinely concerned about me, and he was so adamant about staying at my side all day, that I couldn’t just ignore that. If this was all in my head, some distorted version of reality that I had created, then I wouldn’t be consumed by it. All I had to do was take control. I tried to pull myself away from Ben. “Let go of me.” 

In response to my defiance, he snarled at me and slid his hands down to pin my wrists against my sides, giving my body a shove forward so that I could feel how much stronger he was than I. “You’re mine, Dustin, forever. Bound to me by body and soul now. Do not try to deny the fact that part of you enjoys this…” Releasing one of my wrists, he moved his hand down over my hip, and to the front of my pants where it lingered there for a moment as his lips returned to the side of my neck, his words forming on my flesh. “Surrender and give yourself into it, let it flow through you, just like the music.” My body became responsive and aroused to his touch, and I heard him exhale deeply, pleased with himself. I found that resisting him was incredibly difficult, as every part of my body betrayed me. They say that addicts don’t know that their addicted to their drug of choice, all they know is that they are addicted to how their body feels when they are high, and now I could relate. Benjamin was the drug that I couldn’t resist. I craned my neck and let him nuzzle against the flesh, my eyes fluttered and I shook with pleasure. His grip on my other hand released, and instinctively, I reached up and behind me, to run my hand through his hair, as he cradled his body against mine. Then I felt his teeth take hold of my skin and bite down without hesitation. It was the same thrilling sensation as the previous night, but this time, he wasn’t hesitating, or teasing, he was out for blood and I was very willing to give it to him. My thin flesh gave way to the sharp enamel of his perfect teeth and almost immediately a thin trickle of blood began to flow. I moaned and grabbed hold of a tuft of his hair and then I felt the hardness of his shaft rubbing up against my buttocks through his pants. With my other hand, I reached around to behind him and pushed his ass closer to mine. I gasped for breath as I felt his tongue rolling against the tear of flesh he had made in my neck with his teeth, pushing at the edges and wiggling into the wound. It stung and throbbed painfully, but each second of pain also brought me such a beautiful feeling of desire. I could feel a small trickle of blood as it ran down my throat and collected onto my starched white collar. His hand tugged at the bottom of my shirt, and pulled it from my pants, allowing him to slip his hand up and under, swirling his fingers over my stomach. I turned my head and arched my neck, wanting to kiss him badly, but as I started to move, he bit down over the same spot on my neck that he had before, bruising and puncturing the skin again, and another wave of pleasure overcame me. My knees began to buckle and my heart was pounding in my chest. I felt him release me from the embrace and push me forward. I nearly lost my balance again and caught myself on the edge of the Emulator. My fingers gripped onto the edge of the cool metal and I clutched onto it for support. I glanced down at the control panel, glowing eerily on the darkened stage. Every song that I had written was stored on there, every single effect perfectly timed out and ready to play with the click of a button. All of my work, from the very beginning, the very essence of who I was, all safely stored in technology’s grip. Ben rested his hands on top of my shoulders and then slowly started to slide them down the sides of my body. My chest heaved with each touch that was assaulting me with pleasure. I looked down at the list of songs again and felt tears well up in my eyes. What was I giving up for all of this? I didn’t want to give in, I wanted to keep my soul, the very essence of who I was, and still..Ben’s caress, his words, his embrace all called me to him. 

His hands made their way down to my hips, and he started to unbuckle my pants when I forced the words to form in my throat. “Stop.” It was barely a whisper. From behind me, I heard Ben snicker but he did not stop, and he pushed my back down so that I was stooped over the Emulator. Bony fingers grabbed at my belt and slid it out of the loops of my pants, and I heard it drop down to the stage, discarded. Then he moved back to the front of my pants, tugging at the zipper. He was going to do this… I was going to do this.. Finally.. it would feel so good, so wonderful to have all of him, every inch.. A light flashed briefly on the Emulator and it caught my attention. I looked down to one of the many display boxes illuminating the large screen and I saw the words typed out there, in traditional computer font, reading :all music in this set is created, timed, and written by D.Bates: I suddenly realized what I was doing, and my heart dropped. By giving myself over to him, I was erasing everything that I had ever done in my life. Throwing it all away, like none of it mattered. I felt sick and disgusted with myself. I snapped out of my lust induced fantasy and found the strength to shout at him. “Ben, fucking stop this. I don’t want it.” 

He hesitated for a moment, but still held me in place, leaning down to rest his cheek against mine. His flesh was turning cold and hard. The shadows were closing in. “Last night, you positively begged me, for even the slightest touch, and now..? What did you say…Dustin? I fear as though I misheard you.” I cringed at the way he spoke my name. It was visceral and filled with spite with an incredibly mocking tone. Now he knew that I wouldn’t go through with it, and I’d have to suffer the consequences. 

“You heard me, get your goddam hands off of me.” I tried to shrug him away from me, but it was like trying to move a boulder. The sudden realization came to my mind that I might be in a lot of trouble. I only managed to move a few inches before he reached out and grabbed a handful of my hair, yanking my head back painfully. 

“I thought that you were smarter than this, Dustin. Maybe you don’t understand what it means to lose your soul… you don’t get a choice here…you belong to me. I own you. I can do with you whatever I want.” 

Panic was setting in and I lashed out against him with my elbow, hitting him full on in the sternum. It felt like I was hitting a bunch of bricks. The sudden impact jarred my bone and my fingers started to go numb. I let out a curse underneath my breath and momentarily ceased my struggle. He was clearly stronger than I and there was going to be no way of overpowering him. 

“Ben listen to me. I can’t let this happen. This is wrong… Please let me go. This isn’t who you are; I’ve listened to your music for years, looked up to you, and respected you. You’re letting whatever darkness inside of you take over, but you can fight it, all you have to do is try. Don’t be a fucking monster!” 

Long moments of silence fell upon us. The air in the room was thick, and it was difficult to breathe. I wondered what was going on inside of his head, if my words had fallen on deaf ears, or if he was even considering their worth. Finally when he spoke again, there was a change to his voice, no longer husky and seductive but softer with a gentle tone to it. “You don’t know how it is feeling nothing day, after day, night after night. Going on for an eternity in a solitary confinement in your mind. Wanting, needing, and desperately waiting until you find that certain soul that you’ve been waiting for, forever. Then you find it, and you will do anything possible to keep it.” 

He stopped. I could hear him breathing. More moments of silence passed and then he let go of the handful of hair he held me by, releasing me. The shadows retreated, just a little. I turned my head slightly to look at him and he reached up, brushing his fingers lightly over my cheek and slid the glasses off of my face so that he could look into my eyes without any barriers. Then I knew that this man who stood behind me was one that was facing his own demons, they were fighting deep within him, possibly for more years that I could count. There was deep sadness inside him, and years concealing it must of made it fester and rot, turning him aggressive. I gave him a gentle smile and then he smiled back at me, but then I saw the darkness creep into those grey eyes again, and that smile turned into a disturbing grin. He leaned in and whispered to me. “I'd do….anything.” I winced in pain as he grabbed hold of the back of my head and pushed me forward, I tried my best to hold back, summoning every bit of strength that I had, but it was futile. Almost in slow motion, my body pitched forward, and I could see the lights of the Emulator coming straight at me. 

“No!” I screamed as he slammed my head straight into the glass panel where it collided with a loud crash and my vision suddenly exploded in a thousand stars. My body moved backwards with the motion of the blow, and he caught me in midair, and slammed my head into it a second time, then a third before finally stopping, his rage momentarily satiated. An intense pain shot straight through my head and my ears began to ring. It felt like I was underwater, everything was distorted, blurry and hard to focus on. There were sounds of electricity cracking and sparking all around me, and I realized that I was no longer standing. I could barely see bright flashes on the display of the Emulator, along with a massive spider web of broken glass. The LED screen was completely destroyed; I would never be able to use it again. It’s funny how you think of the strangest things when a crisis hits. Sinking down to my knees, I brought a hand to where the pain was centered on the front of my head and I was not surprised that it came away wet, damp with blood. I hunched over, trying to lower my center of gravity and get some of my senses back, when I saw Ben’s shadowy figure looming over me. I wanted to run away, or at least crawl off the stage to get away from him, but with the distorted vision, I couldn’t see more than a few inches away from me. “Sit up.” He commanded.

A disgusting mix of saliva and blood formed on my lips as I groaned. “No.” I felt it build up and drip down on the stage, landing next to where Ben had tossed my glasses. I closed my eyes to the blinding pain and counted each beat of my heart, trying to bring myself back to my senses. Everything was moving in slow motion. The excruciating pain was almost unbearable. I could feel the deep lacerations running from my forehead down to my nose, they were pretty deep and bleeding profusely. I knew that if I didn’t get medical attention, I might actually bleed to death. But that was going to be step two; first step is to get away from Ben. Adrenaline kicked in and filled me with rage. I felt was though I was fighting for my very life. “I am never going to submit to you, you can do whatever you like, but no matter how much you torture me, I will not be yours. I will remain free.” I wheezed through teeth clenched in pain. 

Not even bothering to look up, I watched his boots as he paced around me, once, twice, three times. Like a predator stalking its prey, until he grabbed my head and yanked it back, forcing me into a kneeling position. The world pitched and my vision clouded, probably due to the severe concussion I had just suffered. A drowsy, sleepy feeling crashed over me like a wave, it would be so easy to lay down on the pre-fabricated stage and go to sleep, but I shuddered with fear, not knowing what reality I would wake up to. The blood dripped into my eyes now, stinging and making my sight worse, everything was tinged in a dull red haze. Ben stopped his incessant pacing and leaned down to run his fingers through my hair, almost in a comforting motion. “You don’t have a choice.” He knelt beside me with his eyes burning straight through me. I shuddered. Seeing him like this was terrifying, more than a monster than a man, he was evil incarnate. The room started to get cold as the darkness descended on me and I had to fight to keep my eyes open. “I am the Shepherd of the Damned. I will not let you wander away. Your place is at my side, and you know it.” His voice boomed loudly in the empty hall and I trembled. 

Painfully, I turned my head to look at him and smiled, with blood stained teeth. “Fuck you Ben!” Pulling up whatever moisture I could from my throat, I spat at him, hitting him straight in the face. He immediately stood up, irritated and wiped it away, leaving a bright red stain across his face, almost mocking my own. 

The last thing I saw was his arm moving backwards and then the back of his hand come slamming into my injured face as he delivered a very painful, bone crushing backhand blow that sent me collapsing to the floor in a heap. I stayed down, completely unable to move. I felt the warm sensation of blood pooling up underneath my cheek, and then blissful, sweet darkness. 

There’s just something wonderful about being unconscious. You’re in this magnificent dream like world where anything and everything can happen, you’re only limited by your imagination. There’s no pain. I could easily recite the neurological reasons why we dream, but really…who wants to be scientific when you are in a void where your wildest fantasy could come true? It’s also the best, most peaceful sleep that you can ever get. It’s the waking up part that sucks the most.

I felt myself starting to come to, my eyes slowly coming into focus and seeing so many strange faces all around me. This was the second time in twenty four hours that this had happened. I struggled to come to my senses and figure out where I was, then I saw those faux star lights on the ceiling of the venue and I knew that I was back to reality again. In the distance, I heard the low, hushed tone of the crowd murmuring behind me. There were paramedics surrounding me, fussing and taking readings while the other band members looked on, concerned. I frantically looked around and found Brock, looking more pale and haggard than I was and as he saw me looking at him, he ran over to my side, pushing the medical personnel away, much to their dismay. He reached out and grabbed my hand, pulling me into a sitting position, ignoring everyone’s advice, and I winced as a familiar pain shot straight though my head and made me reel, almost toppling back over. Holding tightly to my hand, he helped to steady me and put a hand on my back, half supporting and half comforting me. Looking at him with a questioning look, I tried to speak, but my voice was barely a whisper. “Brock, I.. I don’t know..” Every single turn of my neck caused severe pain in my head and the room spun. Something was definitely wrong with me. It was hard to keep myself focused. All I wanted to do is lay back down and drift off into unconsciousness. The lights hurt, sound hurt, being alive hurt.

“Hey man take it easy, let them take care of you.” I lifted my head very slightly and could see the paramedics bringing a stretcher onto the stage. There was no fucking way I was going to be carried out on that thing, not in front of the fans. I couldn’t have them see me like this. 

I grasped at Brock’s flight suit, he was soaked with sweat, but it felt good to hold onto something solid. “I am going to walk out of here, help me to my feet.” I could tell that he was going to protest, but I was determined not to let the fans see me helpless. He nodded and shouted something at the medics around me and they backed off. Brock positioned his body under one side of me and Ron did the same thing on the other side. These were the people that mattered most to me; this is what I would fight for. I couldn’t leave them. 

“Are you ready?” he asked and I closed my eyes for a moment, trying my best to ignore the blinding pain. The vertigo and constant shifting of my vision was making me nauseas. I knew that I had to get myself off that stage as fast as I could. The thought of losing consciousness again chilIed me to the bone. These confrontations with Ben were getting increasingly violent; I doubted my ability to survive another one. I shook my head in agreement, and immediately cringed in pain. Even the slightest movement was enough to drop me to the ground. Together, they lifted me to my feet, and I could hear the crowd cheering, and applauding. I gave them a thumb up, and let myself be half carried-half dragged off stage. This wasn’t how I was planning on this show ending. The guys helped me back to the dressing room, where the medical staff swarmed back in like ants on a dropped piece of candy. 

Brock sat right next to me, observing everything with interest. Nothing slipped by him. “I guess this is the part where I ask you what happened, again.” I joked. Someone brought me a bottle of water and I took it, not bothering to open it, just staring at it. The beads of condensation building up on the outside of the plastic were easier to concentrate on, instead of my immediate situation. 

“You don’t remember anything?” he asked. 

A flash of Ben slamming my head into the Emulator and cracking my skull flashed into my mind. “No.” I said flatly.

“We were in the middle of the set, it was Telescope. The lights were lowered like usual, everything was going great, and then you stopped singing and started to stare off at the monitors there. We kept playing, not sure what to do, thinking maybe you forgot the lyrics or something… then we heard you scream, and it was the most blood-curdling sound I have ever heard. The crowd seemed to really love it though. I looked over and the next thing I saw was that you were clutching your head and had dropped down to your knees, writhing in agony. By the time I got over to you, you had hit the floor and passed out. It took the medics a long time to bring you around, we thought you had some kind of seizure.” Sighing to myself, l leaned back against the plush chair and closed my eyes, wishing that the pain would stop. I wanted Brock to leave me be for a few moments, but I knew that he wouldn’t. Arguing would be pointless. 

“Dustin, listen to me man… one night of this shit I can excuse, but this is getting serious now. Look at you, you’re in pain, it’s obvious. This isn’t some drunken binge, something else is going on. Your hands are shaking, you can barely hold your head up, you punched a mirror this morning, please go to the hospital. If everything checks out, then we’re good and you won’t hear me bitch at you anymore, but if it’s not, then at least we’ll know.”

I feared going to the hospital. What could I tell them, really, other than the fact that I was being mentally raped by a demon who is also the front man of a major alternative metal band? They’d lock me up for sure. However, they could also give me medication that would take care of this intense pain, which left unchecked would surely kill me, so I nodded to Brock and he gave me a reassuring glance and then went to make arrangements. My life was going so well, and going to hell all at the same time. I was falling apart. Outside the dressing room, I could still hear the cheering crowd, they were calling for us to come back out and finish the set, but I knew that I couldn’t do it. The persistent pains in my head made it feel like an egg ready to crack open and split apart. I hated to let them down. By now the roadies would have removed our gear from the stage, it was a depressing thought, that I couldn’t finish the set. I tightened my fist into a tight ball and slammed it down on the arm of the chair, muttering profanities, just as Brock returned. He looked down at me and I could read on his face how badly he felt. I expected him to say something, but instead, he brought me my jacket and helped me to my feet. “Come on man, let’s get you checked out.” 

Giving him the best smile that I could, he helped me to my feet and we started out to the door. Pulling it open for me, he wrapped an arm around my back and guided me out. As we stepped out the door across the hall opened, and I came face to face with Benjamin. He was heading down to the stage, with a guitar strapped across his back, looking as stoic as ever. His band was in the room beyond, all geared up and ready to go on. My eyes met with his and I stopped dead in my tracks, like a dear trapped in the headlights. The few seconds that passed between us felt like years. Those light grey eyes fixated on me gave me both a feeling of ecstasy and agony. I wanted to kiss and kill him at the same time. I wanted to run right into those strong arms of his and have him wrap them around me, taking every last bit of pain away. I broke my staring gaze off of him and looked down the to the floor. He reached out and gripped my shoulder, giving it a tight squeeze. “Hey man, I heard what happened! If there is anything I can do, gimme a call ok?” I lifted my painful head to look at him again and saw that there was genuine compassion on his face. Confusion set in. “After all, we’re partners on this tour. I can’t let my opening act bail on me.” He let go of my arm and I let out a sigh of relief, nodded and Brock and I continued our walk to the car. The hospital was only a few blocks away; they’d do some tests, get negative answers, give me some really awesome pills and then send me back. I’d get back on track and finish the tour and then get rest. Everything was going to be ok. We almost made it to the end of the hall when Ben called after me. 

“I am not going to lose you Dustin.”

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> To be Continued


End file.
